Dear Jennifer,
How do I start a letter like this? It has been nearly 10 months since we last spoke and it feels like 10 years. I understand now what it means to feel true sorrow. It is hard to move on without you. This one phrase sticks in my head. I don't remember where I heard it, but I think it was a song in a movie where a girl/woman sings, "..and now my trio is down to two." That's exactly how I feel.
I spent far too much time in my life trying to change you, expecting you to be an adult while treating you like a child. I don't know why I didn't realize it then and why I do now. It's a terrible thing to learn the lesson too late. All of the years of trying and fighting (with you and for you) seem like a waste.
This time of year is supposed to be a happy time but it is far from that. Putting up a Christmas tree seems wrong. Christmas lights are not what they were last year. After much "reminding" from Bree, the tree is up, but I'm still trying to decide if the lights should/can go on the tree. I know the girls won't understand, but I just don't know if I can do it. I had to do all of that at work and it made me so mad. It felt wrong and dirty to even touch the tree, but I had to. I wish now that I would have flat out refused. But that falls into the whole "pleasing the wrong people" category, which leads to the next tid bit:
I quit my job. I put in a two week notice, but I'm leaving none the less. We decided I need to stay home and try to refigure me out. I felt like I needed simplicity in my life. I look forward to being with the girls and making dinner everyday. I want to focus more on projects that will be fulfilling to me. I am going to be talking with a local college about starting a scholarship in your name. I am excited about that. I have a couple of other projects going on and feel happy to honor you in that way.
I have so much more I want to say, but it's still stuck inside. I'm working on it and I figure that's the best I can do right now. I miss you and I love you. I wish the phone would ring.
Love, the favorite big sister
